No Name Applicable

Monday, July 02, 2007

As of July 1st . . .

. . . if there is the necessity to have vulgarity as the best words to express the situation, it would be either in Espaniol or ****

cos . . .

i is Officially Full Time Staff representing my company(s) as of now.

therefore, i must present myself properly.

ah sheesh. that's hard to do in here, ain't it?

cos there's a place for everything, and i am used to ranting in my nonameapplicable.blogspot.com

i guess those really violent stuff just gotta shift to perra-side-me.livejournal.com for the time being. if there are any violent objections like the last time when i shift my blog, i guess i will just hafta open a blank blog with nonameapplicable.blogspot.com which will redirect my readers who are used to my violent online persona's nature, to the not so civilize bloggy which will contact archives of the past and future of NoNameApplicable.

btw, perra-side-me means: b**** side of me. perra in espaniol = the female counterparts of human's loyal friend.

but that's troublesome =/

we'll see. for now i will just push down the posts, remove the archive function, and do the rest when i got time.

BUT.

THE MAIN POINT IS:

I am confirmed for my Job.

Additions from the confirmation: - proper name card, sorta pay rise.

additions are secondary. the main point is:

I AM CONFIRMED FOR A JOB I LOVE~!!!

cool rite!

over the last few weeks, i was pretty touched by a few couples.. hearing how they initially called me with uncertain tones, met me with confused and worried faces, and left our studio with a big smile and share with me things that is beyond a client and a sales coordinator, i felt.. happy..

especially a bride who's wedding was on Saturday, till friday things are still somewhat going a haywire here and there, and she met a very irresponsible vendor who landed her in a mess which leads her to us. i was heartache when i see her helplessly trying to put things right as much as she can; i was happy when i see her release her knitted brows and chat with me little details of her wedding preparations that she's happy about.. though i didnt get to know her contact for future keeping in touch purpose, but i felt like i got a new friend, cos she opened up to me =)

my boss asked me if i m unhappy with anything in my job. pay, condition, job scope etc. he ask if i got enough money to use with the current pay. haha. its great that there's a rise, cos i need it after all. today is 2nd July, i only have half my pay in my bank, the rest went to personal + household utilities. and this month, someone's getting married, the hongkong trip is next month, therefore i gotta scrimp really properly this month.

last month, my bro ask me if there's anything that i want to own if i have the financial strength now. i can't think of any.

rueyloon hit the spot right. i only ask to be happy in what i am doing. i guess that's the ultimate importance ain't it?

haven't i seen enough people who had earn loads, but is unhappy?

someone who earn loads and have a great girl by his side but don't appreciate? but keep coming after someone that he can never be together with, just becos his ego refuse to admit that he couldnt get this girl years back when he was so near yet so far.

someone who got the fame but lost the love of his life and ultimately his fame?

someone who got the money, the fame and the respect of people; but missed out the precious years when she is still able to hug her son in her arms?

i only ask to be happy in what i m doing i guess. albeit my reasoning in which ever job i go is to set my mind that i can find happiness in what i m doing. no point finding fault with what i have when i can't change it, only makes myself miserable what.

just that, this job, is a blessing. cos the bonus that comes with it, are the smiles on the confused and uncertain faces of inexperienced people trying to get the best vendors to assist them in creating the big day in their life, and preserving it for as long as it could possibly be.

seriously, imagine the helplessness of these people who has no past experience in getting married, getting vendors for their wedding day; nearly every decision they make are big gambles. is either the vendor make their big day a great day or break their big day into a nightmare.

hence the smile you see on them when they are finally relieved off each big decision on which vendors to take, its really like they shifted their anxiety to you, trusting that you have the passion to make their Celebration of Passion the best it could ever be. its really sincere.

very happy job x)

plus, on the wedding day, when i get to see their video or photographs, i just can't feel sad, can i? unless the groom in the pic is amos and the bride is not me la. =x
the other day, sam completed an express highlight for a couple, i was watching it with him as he do the final check.

Sam ask: eh what do you think bout this Express Highlight i just did?
Me say: its fantastic! i laughed and cry along with it!
Sam says: wow. new way to express how good is my work eh!

In Conclusion:

i am really happy and blessed to get this job in the first place, all thanks to Lawrence and Friendster for linking Lawrence to me, of all people in Singapore.

then i am really blessed to have really forgiving bosses who take the pain to mould me from nothing to a little bit of thing for this job.

an finally, i am really really blessed to be given the chance to experience all these happiness for a long time more to come!

rueyloon says:
perks of the confirmation is that you get a namecard of your own, pay increment and paid annual leave and medical leave!

i like the name card part =D cos i dun really understand the works of leaves, amos made it sound really complicated for his =/ whatever, they will explain to me later ons when i need leaves =p

oh ya. my big cat ORD on 11th July 2007. that's fast. so outta the blue, 2 years liao. he gained responsibility, some skills and some good brothers that he can hold for life; i gained some good friends from his department too!

eh. wa.. i only meant to do a small notice that this blog would be more civilize as of 1st july, but it became such a long headless tail-less entry.

whatever. i is sleepy. i got a pretty pretty organizer to put all the boys' bookings and schedules in! the iCal is driving me nuts, keep dropping entries every now and then. previously it drops silly things that are alright, but this time i noticed that it dropped something really important which cost us an opportunity cost which is quite big. thank goodness my bosses are sons of God, if not i would be killed and trashed in the alley in one of those Alvatar bins. talking bout the bins, we pay but we don't have a bin in the alley! why ar. i must go find out soon. -_-"

oh. i noe i must really slp now, but who noes when i will get to post again. anyways, some other good news:

Congrats to:

Yi Ting: for getting a real marcom job instead of the last boogie job that brings you photo shopping the whole week. i saw your tag. tu perra. i have done it halfway, its in my drafts.. goodness how to think of 10 largely different wierd antics of myself man.

Mag: for getting another job soon. have fun. its okie, its only the first year after grad, my bro says i have 3 years to find what i want to do for the next 30 years.

Georgie Wong: Honourable Mention on UOB Photography awards sia! great job you gotten wor, brings you rice plus an award ^^ kambate neh! although you won't ever come this page haha!

Rueyloon + Kim: after witnessing so many weddings, finally your own le! enjoy your big party! it will definitely be a blessed marriage, seems your wedding date is a hot date for couples orh!

Cookie: ORD LOH! baobao jiayou, my baobao is the best! definitely will find a direction that you know you will want to have fun doing it for the years to come x)
even though you think my job sucks, but you also support me all the way, so i will also support you de! but make sure you earn moola. no money no honey HAHA!

Yan Deng: as murphy's law would have it, things always goes wrong somehow even if you do the best seamless prep works. but i believe in you, your skills and your better or ptm instructors previously, that you definitely have the quality to get into MDC and play under the baton of Major Tay. as i m a failure in being professional in what i was playing, i can't say much. but i can only say, be a musician, an artist; hold the artist's attitude, enjoy your song, love your song, feel your song. the judges hearing you will be able to feel you through your music. YOU WILL GET IN DE LA, STOP WORRYING. although at this point in time, i m not sure if you have gone for the trial, but either way, i still think you are good. so does my mum. you're her new idol ya.

Rix & WuiTing: though rix keeps saying machiam he has no business in getting married, be it the people who has contact with the two of you in real life or through the cable modems and land lines, we all know this man loves you =)

have a wonderful marriage, have more Rixies in the years to come!

but xiao rix'zi, please don't imitate your idol in wrestling.. i saw the news of the guy you mentioned liao. *sweats*

Jasmin: thanks for calling me earlier.. though i dunno why you called, but i noe you must be happy today, hearing from your voice, and your boy is accompanying you tonight =) what storm can be worse? with him by your side, raging storms are but romantic drizzles. btw, i saw connie mama last nite. she looks haggled.. though i m still confused by the words and acts of these adults years back, but it just hurts to see someone i once see so sorta glam, now so haggled..

Sam: work is never ending de la. He who brings you to it, will bring you through it. must have arrange you to go away at this time for a reason =)

ah. i guess i m just feeling emo and insecure bout life again, that's why i m evading sleep and talking so much not useful and uncalled for things here. but hey! i am counting my blessings! whatever, i guess, i should by right be feeling better after trying to struck a connection, somehow, with people that i m thankful to be blessed with.

As Arnon would say if we are drunk and by the riverside:
sista, life's good. don't emo. think positive think positive think positive. emo people pukes after drinking. have you ever seen me puke after drinking tons? no rite. i think positive thoughts. 8)

a'ite, good nite world. tomorrow's a great day, tons of things lay out to be done. next wk's a great week, more happy encounters coming up, meeting more couples, next weekend is fully packed with weddings!

its good to be busy and feel useful.

* i had wanted to post an emo post tonight, but i guess, its not suitable to do it here anymore. but i guess, sometimes the length of a speech would already have shown the emotions without the need to put in emo words. *

as lawrence's blog link to me describes my blog as:

Joyce and her contradictions.

yea, long time i haven used the My Contradiction Tag. here goes . . .
Labels: My Contradiction, My Random-ness

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

To Love is to Let Go.

loads of things happened over the weekend.. wanted to blog about it.. cos its a continual to several posts i have posted earlier.. but i m tired, and i dun wan to tink much about it now.. cos its something that is no past no present no future. after all, fate has it that way, n i've made my choice, no point saying so much bout it.

but today i read a friend's blog, she said:

now everyone has been very nice.
repetitively telling me to move on
he's not worth it yada yada.
(excuse me!)
its not that i dont want to.
but its hard on me.
i'm trying my best to share my feelings.
but why do i often feel so compelled to agree?

was in the forum discussing about matters of the heart the other day, when a man asked me:

ain't we all victims of love?

nope we ain't. cos real love is selfless, not selfish, not self-centred.

actually, what prompts me to this post is not just the words of the man in the forum, but cos of 2 men in my life whom taught me some things over the weekend, or rather over the years, in their subtle, protective way. but thats a story for another day...

the man himself forgave his wife of 17years when she attempted suicide bcos her lover is leaving her. at that time, the man and his wife has 3 daughters, the oldest 16yrs old, the youngest 2 years old. though painful on his side, he was ready to forgive his wife and take her back home and start anew. but she could not face these. soon after, with the excuse that she is on a business trip, she flew off and when she reach her destination, she told him sorry she could not bring herself to go back to the family and face her children after what she has done.

the man out of true love for his wife, is able to forgive her, and even mediate between the wife and her lover. though painful to be witnessing and bearing all these, not to mention the emo children who were throwing temper around the house and stuff, but his pain would not be more than the wife. cos she who was blinded by her selfish lust and greed for greener pastures has made her pass the point of no return. and cos of her own selfishness, she will never be able to come to peace with herself. hence, the one who holds the true love will never be the victim.

very simple. cos he love her, he forgives and lets her go; if she's meant to be his wife for the rest of this life time, even if she fled to north pole, she'll still be back.

sometimes letting go, or leaving, is also a way of showing love.

albeit that the above are theory, and most people would not be able to come to peace with oneself like the above mentioned man, this IS the way of life.

often we all know what is right, what is wrong, but its more often than not fear, greed and self-centredness festing us, blindfolding us, making us go rounds and rounds instead of taking the straight route to peace. cos our ego says: buay gum wan. ai piA jiA ei YAH!

darling, i understand that everyone has been telling you he sucks, including me, and you have been a sweet dear feeling compelled to agree. well, you felt compelled to agree cos to a certain extent, you know its right. but there just is a certain thing in us that holds us back. sometimes it fools us that its love that is holding us back, but more often than not, it isnt.

you might be a little pissed partly cos you are trying to get a listening ear, but they are all over-concernly throwing their logics at you passionately hoping that you will just take it and get better (at least they thought you would get better) but partly, you might be a little pissed cos what they are saying are facts you long knew.

i am not saying that these pain are nobody's fault but yours, please don't misunderstand.. this is a mistake that all human will have at least once in life.. but the thing is, whine as much as you deserves like what your friend says, but please, wake up in time to embrace life. cos life will not pause showing its wonder to you while you grieve. i believe this time you are taking longer to recover no doubt cos of the experience you had with him, but also cos this is a tough period when you are transiting throught to a different stage in life - whole new working world with whole new what the fuking dog shit challenges with the least hints and clues you are ever given. *fuk my room got mosquito, yours have? lets go complain to town council nb.*

to let go is also a form of expressing love sometimes. this love when you are able to express, would be for both him, you and people around you who are quietly heartaching looking at you wilting away these days while not being able to let go.

i know, every single pair of eyes reading this post so far would be thinking:

knn, not you, you say until so sonG,
nb see when u kana ditch what you do.
god knows how many fire engine and police car we must utilize.

that is why, while i is sober, while i is not in this emo-shit yet, thank god that you are reminding me of such a thing, and i is also reminding you with the above words, so that if i do unfortunately face such a day, please be a dear and remind me of my words today.

*hugs*
Labels: My Boy, My Contradiction, My Enlightenment, My Khaki

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Monday, April 16, 2007

Long Story Short Say

nb. i type damn long, left last sentence, my mozilla got error. cb.

ba. aint gonna retype, anyway dun hav photos today cos i lying on my bed and typing this damn post.

conclusion:

Thanks sweeties~! for making my birthday a happy one, making me feel important and special to you! thanks for all the well wishes and prezzies, and to those who took out time and effort and moeny to go out with me~!

celebrated my birthday is 5 parts. with jas mag amos wilson jeremy and marcus, with space217, with ziqing, with amos yiting halley and GT, and with juz my big cookie spending quality time this weekend ^^

got my prezzies that i wished for, got the wireless keyboard and mouse from space217 guys thx to lawrence who saw my blog and gather the guys to share and he went shopping for it ^^ that y no photos today cos i lying on my bed with my wireless keyboard and mouse ahaha. got the chocobanana cake too! the cake is damn huge, and i is so honoured to have famous $200/hr photographer GeorgIE woNG to take picture, and $350/hr Rufus's papa to video me blow candle~!!! heh heh heh..

got my yanzi album from yiyin. felt so bad that i didnt made it down to her chalet, cos by the time i finish dinner with ziqing and rush back to east side to meet amos n halley is already 9+ which is our reservation at settlers le.

i was wishing to hear from he and him cos they haven been contacting me or even replying me lately.. i wanted to know if its cos i irritated he or hurt him. glad to know that its neither!

she told me that he juz mia from our circle or their circle to be exact. so it isnt me being irritating that this happen.

i met him finally after 2 yrs.. he is still him, still as bollywood and boyish, when he is with me and when he is with his family. he is still him wanting to get me the best things he can afford. he is still him treating me like a little girl. even though now that he has a high flying job, he is still him, the silly donkey i've always known, instead of the stern donkeys in his kinda job. LOL. i'm so happy to hear how he has been doing these years, how he had been on off dating at least 4 gals in uni, had his first job 90hrs a week paying him 18k a month.

he is good to me not cos of any other reasons ba. cos he is still him, me is still me. i is concerned cos after all he was a person i felt for long time ago. i juz want to know a happily ever after for him too. after all, though he often bluff me silly things cos he finds my gullible expression entertaining sometimes, but i noe he has been treating me sincerely all these years. come to tink about it, i've known him for 9 years... wow. most of the time apart though, guess we're juz not fated haha.

had quality time with my cookie this weekend ^^ he brought me around and treated me good foods. and though he didnt get to play warcraft much yesterday, he wasnt grouchy today and he brought me to east coast to blade x) after that we went to a cosy little restaurant Miss U Cafe for dinner. its pretty dumb. the last time we had our desserts only and a drink each, we spent 20+, this time we had main course and drink, and shared a dessert, we spent 50+. ok la. the main course is not that bad. but be careful when choosing the dishes. some are juz not worth the price.

even though i wished for loads of stuff, but getting these are enough le. especially when all of it seems nearly impossible to happen, but i was surprised by it happening. no point getting all wishes granted. then will hav nothing in life to look forward to, to work hard for. like he said, when he was earning 18k a month, he got nearly all he wanted. to the point when money is juz growing like a figure in his bank but he has no more anticipation. but the work was too taxing and no life, and since he hasnt much to anticipate anymore, he settles himself with a 3k a mth job working 9 -5, but still quite stressful. after all, handling other ppl's money is stressful lor.
its impressive that a 24 yr old gets his own rolex cos he earned it, not cos of his family's wealth lor. i want to be that cool too LOL.

btw, i was asking amos if he minded me going out with him, he said:

why should i mind? you'r juz gg out with your fren ma. and bsides, the one who has the right to be upset should not be me since i m not as impressive as him, but u have been with me for years.

i love my cookie's big heart.. the statement might sound proud, but if you are one who knows my boy well enough, you would know he meant it sincerely without any attacking meaning.

tml is work again, i muz succeed this wk =_=!
Labels: My Boy, My Contradiction, My Khaki, My Work

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Monday, April 09, 2007

My Big Boy..

.. was asking me, why i don't slp early now that i m working day job.

i say cos i don't dare to slp, dunno what mess i have to face the nex day.

he laugh at me nb.. he say that's how he feel when he was in primary school.

LOL. his version is damn cute la..

i'll save in draft and sought his permission before publishing.. its SO NOT the HIM that any of his friends, even his closest wei li, would have known of him.

while hearing him telling me his painful (really quite pain considering the canes LOL) past, with a boyish smile on his face, i feel so touch so blessed to have been bestow this big boy in my life.. and i m most fortunate to have this fleeting saggitaurus who hates to be binded by rules or by anyone, to want to be commited to me, to want to have a vision of our future, to want to make decisions with me included in his considerations..

all these yrs, i thought i have been the only silly girl as any other girls in relationship would, think long and far and vision our future.. recently, he starts to vocalise a little on the things he vision us in our future.. some of his little ideas..

on friday, we went to Miss You cafe at simpang bedok (the desserts sux big time.) to have supper of tiramisu and apple crumble and root beer and rambutan lagoon. all cmi. but that's not the point. that cafe is recommended by TODAY newspaper. now we know we shld have some reservations when reading recommendations around. thats not the point either. the point is, when he saw the wine list, he said:

baobei, what wine can keep for many years and will taste better and better as it grows old?
we should get one bottle before i leave, then when i return 6years later,
we can open it and drink!

x) and juz now on the ride home, he was asking his dad, if his uncle would still be a tailor 9yrs from now. he finds that it would be damn cool if his uncle could do his wedding suit for him hahaha!

a hundred and one things keep popping outta my head every now and then, telling me what ifs..

i'm so afraid of him leaving me, of our relationship cracking up, that ever since i got together with him, i NEVER once played fortune telling that is related to relationship again. i was so afraid that the result would turn out bad and crack us up. but now i m so afraid what if i m not the one for him? and what if i would not bring fortune to him but rubbish?

i guess sometimes, either the media or somewhere along our education system, we muz have been brainwashed to believe that there is no fairy tale happily ever after thingys.

things have been going so well for us these yrs that i m so afraid that its the peace before the storm.

but wells, i've been through these feelings haven i? yrs back when things seems to be going too well, i was so afraid that i will be hurt and disappointed if i lose him one day, and things seems too good to be true. but i stayed on in our relationship cos of my trust in him, in us, that we would be able to hold everything together, together. a girl didnt. she felt that things were going too happily ever after, she gave up her relationship. good thing she went into a long relationship soon after, for a couple of yrs, but seems recently her photos are absent from his friendster.. hope she has met her happily ever after and decides to believe it le ba.

i muz remind myself.. if one day things start moving towards unhappiness, i must not must not hold on to him.. i must let him go towards where he should.. i know its tough, i know i most likely would not.. but i know i have to. cos if we're meant to be, he would be by my side even if we reunite 50 yrs from now, as like the mtv of SHE.

on another note, i was telling him, for goodness sake, please don't educate our child to be as naive as him in future.. his childhood is damn hilarious at times.. he's naive beyond imagination.. LOL.

on another another note, after hearing his first sentence, that he would only feel that way when he was in primary school, i got a reality-quake in my mind. i had been feeling that way through primary, secondary and tertiary when i never do my homework or skip school without MC or late for school when i cant afford to anymore.. goodness. i'm 20. i don't wanna feel that way anymore man! cannot cannot cannot. GROW UP ALREADY~!
Labels: My Boy, My Contradiction

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

My First Job

1st march 2007, i is gonna embark on a new new journey wahaha~!

went for the 1st interview yesterday.. well sorta tongue-tied during the interview.. but during dinner is fine lor. haiz. was interviewed by my bosses: ruey loon, sam & george; and ah law helping along heh heh.

2nd interview on thursday to discuss bout prospects heh heh $_$

after that is going to attend a talk with them on nex monday to learn more bout the industry and stuff..

^-^ muz thx lawrence loads loads for helping me to promote and giving helpful hints n cues along the way hahaha~!

actually there was a competitor for the job.. i sorta also noe the gal, and i tot if she's really sure she want the job, i would rather she get it than i get, cos i tink she would contribute more to them than i could.. cos she is more familiar in this industry, and she is a certified cosmoprof grad make up artist, so she can sorta multi-task heh heh. cos she juz quitted her high paying job recently.. so they were thinking if she's interested.. actually the last time she was interested, but she turned it down cos of objections from her beau and parents cos of the size of the salary.. as compared to her actual profession is quite a gap la.

i is lucky, cos i is happy go lucky ahahaha~! cos i m not her age whereby there are commitments like hsehold utilities, her dog and stuff. and i still have the time to ~~waste~~ try out here and there to find something that suits me. and i'm actually ready to commit my whole time on pushing up the sales and pushing out the brand; while she still wants to do her make up assignments, which the appointments might clash with the job at the studio..

so I is lucky to be happy go lucky without much commitment and in the next 6 years my boy would be away, and my bro says I can set a certain number of years to try out what I really want to do. So I can afford ~~screw ups~~ and low pay and high commitment ahahhahaha!

So taDAa~! I tink ultimately, I wanna be a wedding planner or events’ planner kinda job, and I like the zero-based challenge of this job, since its kinda new and not so well organized place ^-^

How how how.. so anticipating.. ahaha. Juz now before the confirmation during dinner time, I keep msging Lawrence the whole day: how how how?!
Den now got answer liao, hired liao, I still how how how? Hahahaha~!

Aiyoz. I is already anticipating with many many ideas to decorate the place ahahaha~! Many many potted plants on the desks and the window sills of the studio and the client meeting area and the well-sun-light retro pantry wahaha~! And hor and hor, make many hand-made decorated cushions on the couch of the client meeting area and the couch in the studio wahaha~! And hor and hor, some nice handmade crystal lampshades~! And table cloth of the pantry table~! And more interesting pieces of the curtain that covers the mess of the working area from the clients while they walk to the client meeting area at the back~!

Hmmm ah law ask me where I wanna put my desk heh heh. Definitely not beside ah law aka wolf ahaha! I was tinking the cosy client meeting area would be nice hahaha! But george will be grouchy if I take up his bed =X then I was tinking nex to the studio’s window, overlooking little India =D then I was tinking about the pantry table~! Super like that part lor.. so retro.. so loads of sunlight, and there’s a circular staircase somewhere outside the window! ^-^ haha but tats all crappy day dream of me myself and i. how can I be sitting all over the place rite. [oh wells u never noe.. probly when I get my way around more familiar liao, I mite be based on the couch in the studio with a laptop leh? Heh heh heh~! ] somehow the work area looks like our biz sch labs =_= 2 rows of macintoshs along the walls, but the diff is that, the boy’s equipments, bites and drinks are clattered along the long tables, between the macintoshs x)

Super super like the place~! Ultra cosy de.

So I’ll be like going to work with this different methods:

1. 359 to pasir ris interchg --- pasir ris mrt to bugis mrt --- walk to selegie bypassing OG
2. 3 to punggol temporary interchg --- punggol mrt to little India --- walk to selegie
3. 89 to sengkang interchg --- sengkang mrt to little India --- walk to selegie
4. 518 to bedok reservoir [jasmine hse there] --- 23 to sim lim --- walk to selegie
Hmmm taking bus 3 sounds good. ^-^

Oh wells. Somehow that will be done, so no worries now ahaha~!

Heard the working hours is quite cute. 12 or 1 pm to 10pm. They still discussing 5 or 6 days week, 1 wk day and 1 wk end off, but if weekend got assignment or client meeting then will hafta chg it to wk day. Sounds fine lor, got enough allowance for me to get drunk at double o on Wednesday or Thursday leh~! Wahaha~! 3 months probation ^-^

Excited excited. Already tot of activities to bond with them at the studio too~! The studio is more like a living room somehow LOL. Btw I noted a bottle of kahlua, a bottle of absolut blue and a bottle of brandy or whisky in the pantry HAHA! I intend to add into the collection with a mahjong table and mahjong set ahahaha~! And a steamboat pot~! Hahahaha!

Awwwwwww excited excited. Btw, in terms of full timers, I is the only girl. But no worries, 2 married for 1 yr guys, 1 going to get married in july guy, and another erm mysterious de ahhaha. I is safe.

Sgt Ho aka Gavin~! Heh heh.. me remember u still got black Russians haben treat me hor? Hohoho~ no worries we have plenty of Thursdays ahead as long as u are not dispatched to tekong to tame monkey again LOL.

Wa freaking excited leh how. LOL.

This Thursday after Strategic Marketing and Integrated Marketing Communication presentations, I’ll rush down to meet amos and his mama’s fren’s son and daughter in law to go check out stuff bout amos studying in Melbourne. After that, my big cat will go take his basic theory test of car car, then I’ll go down to the studio to meet the guys. Will be wearing formal wear the whole day sia.. then I intend to play punk, instead of wearing shirt with my suit, I intend to wear spaghetti with my suit wor. See how lor, probably if I haven die of steaming yet by the time I meet the guys and have dinner with them, I might go down to help amos at the promotion stall at bugis junction..

My poor cat hafta wake at 6am daily and go to work and after that go help his mama at her stall until 10pm wor.. although is for these 2 weeks only but I quite heartache him leh. At least like if alternate days still alright lor, but she wants him to be there every single day, I find it too demanding lor. Not understanding enough sia.

Yesterday actually wanted to go down and help, but cos george return to studio pretty late, so by the time we end the stuff at studio, amos side oso ending le, so no need go help.. then today wanted to put the whole day to help him there, but my sister drop her daughter with my mum cos she having basic theory test today [which she calls fraud when she came back LOL] and my mum is practically struggling with two screaming monsters, so I stay at home to quarantine 1 from the other =_= then tml will hafta wake damn early go sch prepare for presentation, then after that is stay back do presentation slides for thurday’s imc presentation, and to call SAM machine and starhub to find back my money from the wrong billing account to dump it back into my damn internet account to reconnect my internet -_- cos one day my bro was too tired, and he went to SAM machine to pay our net bill – to the wrong billing account; therefore, tml I cant go down to the stall to help either. On Friday, might be going to napfa test with yi ting, so I would be dead tired to bother bout smiling to faceless crowds and promoting to faceless crowds and being frenly with those that bother to come out from the faceless crowd and show their face to me and enquire bout my new yr cookies. So basically, this week cant help much.

Heh heh. Suddenly tot of something, but it only applies to promoting things when I m god damn tired; and u would understand only if u chase after Bleach anime or manga heh heh:
the faceless crowd that I hafta talk to and promote to is the Hollow Grande; while those that comes over to enquire are Hollows. They all suck my tiny blotch of leftover spiritual strength away.

Haven seen ting this week. Freaking miss =/ momo and ah vin too..

Oh ya. This entry is done on the laptop’s msword on Tuesday and uploaded into blog on Wednesday haha

Happy 20th Birthday Damien Kee x)
Labels: My Boy, My Complaints Aloud, My Contradiction, My Khaki, My Work

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Jitters

heh heh.

jitters jitters.. now doing last report of my 3 years of poly education.. tml meeting my sec sch bunch of boys for steamboat ^-^ and monday going to interview for my full time job.

jitters that the damn report's draft got bad bad critiques this afternoon..
jitters that the grocery list don't sounds good enough for 7 guys 1 girl..
jitters that there is no regular format for the interview on monday!!!

cos its a pretty unusual job from what we've prepared ourselves in communication skills whereby u gotta prepare resume, cover letter, passport size photo kinda thing, and wear in certain dressing sense.. but i ask ah law, he say juz bring my brain n ability to talk cock along.
the rest anyhow can. zhun bo!!!

ruey loon looks and sounds like a nice guy.. but hor, he looks very serious.. 0.0
i've only saw his friendster haha.

oh wells. lets get this done and over with, sleep, wake up, go meet ming for grocery buying and a nice nice nite with my boys finally since loooooonnnnnggg looonnnnngggg time no meet them le..

btw, damn blogger is down again with this dunno wad stupid error that tons of blogspot blogs cant be reached at their url. so i can only post.. i hope. oh wells.

n i is at amos house doing proj since i haven internet at home at the moment, and my boy is having nite guard tonite. sweets. the bed is MINE. wahaha~!
Labels: My Contradiction

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Monday, December 11, 2006

Full - Time Student

since the second semester of poly yr one, i've always been working part time and studying..
quite screwed. cos i is ill disciplined.

amos wanted me to quit villa bali after my internship ends, so that i can concentrate on my final semester of studies.. i tot so too.. but end up i quitted the place becos his mother's new shop wants me to go over and help.

the shop is opening on december 12th.

i quitted today.

Full - Time Student now.

damn screwed for the past 2 and a half yrs, barely scrape through everything.. borderline passes.. its plain ass and idiotic lor.. cos i noe i can definitely do better if i concentrate fully on it.
at least straight B lor.. but i juz got carried away and half done here half done there..

if i had been successful in my part time jobs like li zhen earning 40k a new year and buang my studies still ok, but end up i never really that pro at work oso leh?

amos says, left one semester, late but not never ma. as long as i change my attitude and score this semester, next time employer see liao oso will understand i changed my attitude and willing to work hard can make it de..

what really touches me is that, my boy says:

baby dun worry bout phone bill, net bill and ezlink top-ups. we are going through these 3 months together. i'll work hard together with you.

i need to get back onto the properly disciplined track i got off 9 yrs back. had it been the me 9 yrs back, i would not be worried bout money for this semester now or studies, cos i would hav been consistant enough for my studies, and what i had earned the last 3 mths would definitely be tiding me through.

but somehow, the now me, screwed everything up, and drags my boy along.

final 3 months in temasek poly, as a student, as a child. 3 months later, i'm left to sail on my own.
i would wish that at least i have my boy by my side to coo me when i m afraid and lost, but the tentative plan is that he would be leaving next yr end for australia..

i really cant see any light or any positive way or results out of this semester.. and beyond.
bless me the strength to work all that i should; and courage to accept all that should come.
Labels: My Boy, My Contradiction, My Work

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Taking for Granted

ever wonder if its a really great bliss if we are able to say "i love u" to someone in life?
not juz in the bgr term.. its a bliss to be able to love someone at all lorx..

haix.

happen to chance upon this gal's blog.. she's already passed away on 10th sept 2006..

its so heartpain to learn about her life story lor.. a child from an orphanage.. got adopted the first time and was abused.. finally got a family who treats her like their little princess.. got the men in her life who loves her.. she finally died of illness.. at this point in time when i first chance upon her blog, she's 10months away from her 26th birthday..

i never like to say the 3 words unless i mean it.. i oso never like it that i m only able to say it to my boy, and not to the rest of the people that i love..

treasure the 3 magic word ya.

her very touching post.

only read a few of her entries.. quite enlightening..

actually, since i left secondary school, since i left the kinda education system whereby we are so protected and spoon-fed, i've came to realise that there are many more facets of life then the templates that i've known of..

prior to that, i've never thought that a 27 yr old could still be partying around, doing odd jobs, having his mama do the shopping of clothes for him.. i've never thought that someone my age could be out of school and working in this society where adults are so scary.. everyone hides a knife beyond that friendly smile..

prior to reading this blog, or say.. even as i read her entries, i still find it hard to get this into my brain, that there are orphans in singapore..

i'm a frog. used to live in the well with my mama, brother and sister shielding me from hurt and responsibility; teachers shielding me from failure; amos shielding me from mistakes and loneliness cos by my own selfishness.

i fear growing up. i fear going out into the society, especially after these 3 months of internship. i fear the next 6years without amos by my side.

if i m to fear these much, how did angie bern lived her mangled 25 years? when she's left to fend for herself while so many people fight to tug me back in a cosy corner, away from the bloody facts of life. she who is so far away that i dun even noe, might be like juz another story.. but how about my good brother here in my online friend list..

dude, hope i can do more to help in this celebration =]
child like us who didnt have a complete family, will either fear building one, cos fear of failure disappointment and rejection; or brave enough to want to build a better one that u never had. i believe u r the latter x)

very very very happy for u xD
Labels: My Contradiction, My Enlightenment, My Khaki, My Random-ness

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Quitting

officially given the 2 weeks advance notice to Villa Bali for my resignation tonite.

i cant bear to part..

not the regulars, not the managers then and now, not the staffs then and now, not the place then and now, not the creatures, not the food, not the drinks, not the dinner from food court upstairs..

i cant bear to part with everything there..

i love the place, i love the work, i love the people so much. that i even dreamt of work on several occasions.. once when i was on MC for a couple of days.. i dreamt that i was working.. once when i only slept 2 hours and went to school for in-campus session for internship programme and came back for a little nap before work in the evening.. i dreamt that i was supposed to be preparing for the function that nite, shouldnt be slping now.. and many more dreams..

i dun talk dun joke dun slack at work with fellow colleagues, not cos i dun like them..

cos i already make enough mistakes when i don't, so if i do i will be worse..

but i had been seen as being too serious too pia too fierce at work..

i would miss everything everywhere and everyone there..

i'm thinking of treating everyone dinner or supper on my last day of internship. i tink the money would be well worth it, cos its a place that i have grown so much, had a large new chapter in life, and worked so happily for more than a year in.

given a choice, i would have choosen to go over to butter factory to work with Keen, or Q-Bar to work with Johnson.. but kinship is in the picture now, the choice is obvious, not the money not the fun, its my man and his mum. x)

besides, my cookie and his mum had been opposing me working in nite life since the day i started on 14th july 2005.. cos they are worried bout my health since i've always been frail and can faint often.. but when they see me working there so happily over the year, they kept quiet.. my mum always supports me with what ever i m doing, and my brother is into nitelife too.. so there's no problem..

the day i decided to ask jac to help me get the interview at villa bali, the day that i had the interview with bernard, the day that i started work at villa bali, i never never never thought that i would get so much out of this job.. that i would cry when i hafta leave.

well. good things is always at moderate. we had fun over the last year, now its time to stop, before things turns sour..

stopping here, collecting all the fond memories, get on with life, open another chapter.

things happen for a reason.

it could be that its time to test the effort and strength of the friendship between me jasmin megdalene weixiang and our friends at villa bali; if we would make the effort to keep in contact, to hang out together..

as much as i do not wish to end the work at villa bali, i do not wish to end this post.. cos at the end of this post, it would really dawn on me that its the end of my work at villa bali..
Labels: My Contradiction, My Khaki, My Work

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

What Keeps Me 19.

elmo and ting are the ones who makes me realise what more a 19 year old could be doing, other than tv, gaming, part time job, and my more like a husband than that kinda dating boyfriend, Cookie.

i finally got the chance to juz hang around jasmin and weixiang and megdalene.. cos we are working together.. its not ez to find time that suits both sides to meet up.. cos we are doing different kinda lifestyle.. unlike the similarity between me ting n elmo..
so its easier and has more chance to meet..

when i first transit to this job, it is like opening a new chapter in life for me..

i've never been into cliques in 15 years of schooling. when i finally started work at 14, i've always been around the adults. its never a peer environment..

when i came into villa bali, its all my peers..

i experienced a slightly more like my age kinda life.. with the kinda topics and things to think about..

now transiting back to amos's mother's company might mean one thing:

i m back to square one, having my life revolving round amos only.

thats not a very good thing.. he's leaving for australia sooner than i can bat an eyelid..

i still want to meet more ppl, try more things, party more, and see more types of guys, [juz for the sake of seeing at least i wun be regreting in future saying "i haven seen other types of guys and i got married to him le."]

although ultimately i noe i already decided, but i juz want to convince myself more thoroughly of my decision and make myself feel more secure, by not shutting myself away from my peers..
Labels: My Boy, My Contradiction, My Khaki, My Work

Kicking about @ 6:32 AM
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Monday, November 13, 2006

Lonely.

dun feel like blogging tonite..

cos i dun feel like having posts pushing down those posts which are intended for certain individuals' attentions.. posts for my part time bf cum brother, my sister cum mirror, my cookie, and my sister. i don't think they hav seen the intended posts yet.. cos i dun think they hav came into this site for some time?

but i really need somewhere to talk.. to express myself.. to say things without being afraid to get back sarcastic remarks to remind me how dumb i am.

i've been reminded of my stupidity throughout the day at work.. by means of words, acts or isolation.

amos's mum is opening her new shops end of this month.. she asked me to go over to her new cafe to help her..

i cant bear to leave a place where i've worked for more than a year.. i cant bear to part with the surroundings, the tasks, the colleagues good and bad, the regular customers..

and now all the more i cant bear to part, when a time i finally bond closer with frens that i've been drifted away for long periods.. frens that i love so much and miss so often always..

now that they are by my side, working with me, but i have to leave.. i cant bear to part..

once i leave, it would return back to square one, where we were busy with our own lifes, so far apart..

becos of difference in opinion and our own obstinance, though we would miss each other, but we do not get together much..

now i m finally on the same line with weixiang and jasmin again, since those days in orchestra, i really dun wan to leave.. not now.. cos i noe in very near future, when his day job starts or when his uni starts, we will definitely drift far again.. but at least for now i can still pester him..
when sch starts for me, i will definitely be apart from jasmin again.. cos of our own hectic schedules and commitment in relationships.. but at least now.. we can be making noise together..

at work or when the 3 of us are together.. i always seems to be the aloof one, the reserved one.. not cos i dun like their companionship.. not cos i dun like what they do.. is cos i want so much to be close to them like before.. but i dunno how to get closer.. i fear rejection.. i fear disappointment.. i fear loss.

money is no longer that much of an issue for me when deciding where to work.. this is the last half yr i can have this low a commitment level for work..

i wan to be happy working.. juz like those days when Keen & Johnson, and the rest of the old colleagues are still around..

now the issue is more like a gentleness that dun belong to me, and i never understood how it works since 6yrs back, but i juz want to hold a tinge of it; and a friendship that i had taken granted 6yrs back, i juz want to do my best to love and be loved; and a new friend that i so much so much so much wants to make her my best friend; but all these i dunno how.

like ting says, the harder u grasp a handful of sand, the more it falls. i mite be trying too hard.

probly juz a moment of weakness, i mite be betta when i wake up for office later.

juz very demoralised bout work, heartache bout friendship, and depressed bout everything else including everything.
Labels: My Contradiction, My Khaki, My Random-ness, My Work

Kicking about @ 4:00 AM
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I Feel Like An Idiot.

i feel really useless..

feel like hiding away somewhere.. or juz sit at east coast's Beach Cabana all nite. but i would hate to be at a place where sunrise would reflect on the earliest.

juz wanna hide away.. away from peoples' eyes.. judgement.. impression..

probably only in the nite, at a place like cabana, no one would give a hoot about me.

i feel like an idiot at work, at school, at home, at friends'.

at work, i never seem to do anything right. because i always feel and heard comments on me that don't seem to mean i am on the right track, i make sure i do not slack during operations. i juz keep moving keep doing, in hope that being hard working can make up for the other insufficience.

but still, sense no positive things.

can someone please, do a good deed. bring me away for a little while.

i wanted to escape into the fume and drinks on wednesday nite, at zouk, but i m not granted a thursday off. i've got a tuesday instead..

i wanted to ask for companion to drink at cabana aft work on monday.. but my only companion says he can't make it..

probably i'll juz get to a club on wednesday aft work, drinks, dance, vent it all out. probly when i have a little drop too much, i'll be less aware of myself, my stupidity, my taking up of excess resources juz by the mere being of me.
Labels: My Contradiction

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Friday, November 10, 2006

I'm Not Ok But I will Be Ok

wahaha. silverwolf is brotherhood enough man~ early morn wake up read my blog and sms me if i m alrite, cos my blog sounds depressing LOL.

and rixie too ^^

quoting from yi ting,

i'm not ok, but i will be ok.
Labels: My Contradiction

Kicking about @ 12:46 PM
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What the Fuck am I Doing?

i woke up earlier and rushed to school to do a report for work. i woke up later than i should, i took a cab down to school and took a cab to work. the paper and the files and the cab fares total $30.

i threw that report away into Joglo Bar's bin. cos i was very disappointed at some things.

in my moment of weakness, i was expecting that if i open up to someone supposedly my good sister, she would give me a little attention and make me feel less lonely and lost. but due to miscommunication, things went worse.

i called a brother since yesterday he ask if i want to go club today. but i tot i would be too occupied bout work so i declined. sent him a sms instead cos his side too noisy he can't hear me.

but he never reply..

mayb the place reception bad? mayb the dance floor too squeezy? mayb battery low.

but either way i shouldnt be upset and disappointed. cos i wasnt even supposed to be holding this expectation, this anticipation at all.

they don't owe me.

i m the one who screwed myself into this mess.

i called mac delivery even though i wasnt very keen on eating. neither am i keen on waiting for about an hour for its arrival.

what the fuck am i doing?

i is so fuktard.

though late, but she finally realise i m indeed not OK. so she smsed me to find out and so on. and said she would call me after she's done supper with her boy. but i decline.. i dunno is i scared rejection or wad. but either way, i m the one who asked for attention. i m the one who push people away. what the fuck am i doing?

now she's a bit sad cos she felt useless that she cant do anything to help me.

reminds me of the time when momo wants to talk, but miscommunication, and he felt that i won't understand.. so he shuts off.. and i sit there crying some nites cos i felt useless not being able to do anything for my buddy.

sorry my dear. pls don't feel sad.. u dun owe me..
Labels: My Contradiction

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

What If We weRE or We aRE Together?

one day, went chilling out with a guy that i used to like, and he used to like me too.

we used to like each other, but things just didnt work out. can't remember why also haha! so young then. it was a time when he was so rebellious that he nearly went into boys' home LOL, when he is actually a very bright student, and later on a student leader, and later in NS climbed pretty high rank.

we were just chatting bout the past, when he told me he was asking one of his ex girlfren why they didnt work out. LOL. so i ask him, why we didnt work out ar?

he remembered the details and answered me. something i didnt remember, surprisingly, cos i usually remember such details, or do i? LOL.

but i answered my own question loudly haha.

with our character, even if we did got together back then, it would be day in day out arguements. cos he is a man who is high on his ego, and i m a girl high on my ego too, and i m often too dense to sense his sensitive issues LOL. sure fight from sunrise to sunset. =]

its nice that we are still friends now, he sees a lot of my blind spots of myself, and i saw a lot of his. but now that i've grown slightly wiser, i noe when to shut up. LOL! often pissed that he juz shoots off and point out and iron things out in his way, but quite glad he often sets me thinking lol.

we were saying something bout chilling out again soon. but busy period coming for both of us, and right after that, guess he would be busy having appointments with other guys and giRLs, since by then his peers would have finished university exams, then time for clubbing..

oh wells. i was sayin by then he won't have time to entertain me.

he says for me he would. wells, he don't usually say flamboyant words to entertain me. in fact these years we often get pissed with each other cos we are so used to talking in ~~mean~~ blunt manner to each other.

so i hope he mean it. after the things that happen lately, i find it painful to trust someone totally without doubting at all, cos when disappointment kicks in, it hurts like hell.

dun bluff me leh. i'll cry leh. =]
Labels: My Contradiction

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Beginning of the month... HIGH ar.. LOL

as wad amos loves to express these days when he's feeling good:

High aR~

lol. had a lot of fun amidst the really depress and disappointed and stress bout work period.

in summary,

celebrated jasmin's birthday for 2 consecutive nites, then went drinking with weixiang yesterday after work, then later going to treat amos nice dinner for his birthday in advance.. wAY advance LOL his brithday is 29th, but i would most likely be busy then ma LOL. so now off we do a bit of thing first, in case that time really cmi still not so sad ma ^^

photos and details, laters~

me is gonna go bath and get out to bugis to pass ting her log book then go gai gai with my big cookie!

i was told that
some of my friends
felt that the love between
me and amos
is like a dying flame
and he isn't like very sweet to me

its alright
thanks for the concern
i ain't upset by these words at all

call me stubborn and pigheaded as usual
but its okie.
i'll stand by my choice
my boy
cos its me living this life with him

if i am supposed to be affected by such comments
then what difference would i be
from a bimbo
who juz wants
a hunk as boyfriend
to show the world?

i m glad
for everything else i do
i need peoples' words
of affirmation
to boost my confidence in my choice
but not for my choice of my boy

你对我的好
我竟然都不知道
全都是我的朋友告诉我
我才知道你付出了多少
关于爱
我实在懂得太少
如果你不说
我真的不知道
你对我的好
我想我还太小
和你比起来过于浪漫无聊
你像空气给我拥抱
但我看不到
所以以为不重要
你对我的好
我怎么会失去才知道
你对我的好
我怎么会
听朋友说才知道
你对我的好
我怎么会感觉不到
你对我的好
你对我的好

i used to agree with this song on the part
that people around me
tell me how good he is to me
to dawn on me
how much i took him for granted
in our first yrs in this relationship

but then i realise in this song too
it would be a damn sad thing
if i gotta wait
to hear such words of affirmation
from the others
about him

especially
when my principle
is that no third person
be it frens family or another guy
would be the one affecting
my decision in a relationship

if i would be with him
or break with him
it would be
because we can't work things out
together
anymore

i want to be with him.

with this simple line
as the finishing line
i'll juz work towards it
no matter what comes

that simple
that's me
simple minded moron
Labels: My Boy, My Contradiction

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

My Dirty Little Secret

the other post i was sayin this gal whom i noe who turn her back and bite my new fren rite.

k wad happened was, this photographer took pic for her, then she take photo le dun pay money, still tell her mum she did. then the mother go chase after my fren.

and she went to the extent to chging her hp number. bimbotic _-_zZz

but she was later found cos she dumbly sent in those photos as her portfolio pic for some modelling agency, and little did her pea brain dawn on her that photographers and models and modelling agencies are closely nitted, by left or by right, u mite meet one day cos the circle is in SINGAPORE. it ain't tat big.

i remember laughing when i noe she send in to a modelling agency. cos i tot bimbos like her keep wanting to become famous only. wad else.

but thinking bout it, it has also been my little secret dream to become a model, to be dolled up by professionals and take pretty photos, and be the central of attention and attraction.

i should admire her courage and confidence in her ugly face charactor and figure, and knowing she would be rejected most probably she still went ahead.

oh wells.

to make myself feel better, thou shall manifest loudly, in public [my blog is public] so as not to be inferior to that bimbo:

I DREAM TO BECOME A MODEL.

Labels: My Contradiction

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

Whatever will be, Will Be.

ahh. finally off tml. got loads to update here man. lolx.

so short time, so much happened. these few days. amazed me.

what i can say in short is, whatever will be, will be.

think too much, plan too much oso nothing much; things will juz run its own course and taDA~! infronta u. ^^

and by the way, please, say only what u sincerely mean, cos i would sincerely believe.
and when i awake to the fact that u r not sincere, i would be more hurt then.

sister? lover? best buddy?

its easy to read, easy to verbalise; but a sincere one please.

pretty tired now. c how tml ba. if i nv go out den i'll update quite a few entries LOL.

YI TING~! sorry for waking u juz now wahaha. if can tml teoheng? 4pm to 7pm.

hopefully i can wake up early enough to call yiting n weixiang go teoheng LOL.

whats a better remedy for distress and stress?

KTV & Double O.
Labels: My Contradiction, My Khaki

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