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Thursday, June 22, 2006

I, The Clown.

i feel like a clown. everyone else is normal.. n always do the correct things at the correct times with the correct effect.. but i m always doing everything wrong..

at work, i m always the one making stupid mistakes when everyone else even slackers get into less trouble than me. counting the times i made a mistake about an order, a table number, and run-away bills in my 1yr working there, i think i champion liaox. i didnt hear anyone else doing as much mistakes as me in a yr of working..

at school, everyone else noes wad to do for the project, noes how to study for the test, and i juz dunno how to get about things.

at home, i'm a thorough mess.

at friends, i don't have much close friends do i? yi ting have raine.. they are always together.. shiru jiahui joyce cecilia and one more gal, they are called [Holidays] the are always together too..

i am always the sore thumb sticking out in a group.. i don't belong anywhere..

and i guess i juz irritated the shit outta my good fren that he won't reply sms, call and msn at all.. i mean some words as a bridge over the river of peace.. but since his reaction is like that now.. i guess i've made things worse again, and washed myself out into the cold dark ocean again.

i had been crying for 2hours now.. my amos is sleeping.. i have no one else to turn to..

i really feel like running away.. far far away.. away from school away from work away from my good fren.. the things that i really like but why m i messing them up so much!

typing thus far, i guess I, The Clown is an overated statement. i don't even qualify to be The Clown. the clown is far more useful than i am, and leads a far more meaningful life. compared to me, the brat who do not cherish nothing, but whines away.

i have been seeking belongingness since i've transferred to a new home, new school, new neighbourhood in primary 5. till now i still dun belong anywhere, i still dunno how to. not even at home.

I WANT TO BELONG! I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVES ME! BUT WHY DO I NOT KNOW HOW TO LET THEM EMBRACE ME! WHY DO I NOT KNOW HOW TO EMBRACE THEM!

the more i yearn, the more i seek, the more i don't see, the more i don't get.

hopefully, tml i m able to find a replacement for work, so i can stay in school and complete some work. then i shall talk to ashley and see if its possible for me to get a four weeks break from work to clean up my mess before the deadlines, or i'll juz have to quit.

Kicking about @ 3:38 AM
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