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Saturday, June 03, 2006

Pain.

i can don't give a fuk about what anyone in the world says. they wun be able to affect me.

only a few people can make me go hysterical.

i was hysterical n my lips my eyelid my face.. was trembling..

when i m really stressed up, nothing can really break me down. but her words can be the last straw that breaks my back, anytime.

at work, at school, at frens, at amos, i mite be stressed up till i cry. but that is nothing. the feeling that my heart is torn up, can only be done by her words, done by me knowing how desperately she would wan me to dote on her n give her more attention.

why isit that i already try to entertain her even though i really need that focus now, why isit that when i tell her that i m really busy now she cannot just leave me alone? why isit that she cannot understand and step back, and muz push until i break down n yell n scream n shut her outta my room?

no one in the world can say anything to break her down, but her own children.

she is that strong a person.

i noe it definitely pierced her badly. but does she noes that at the same time, i feel like killing myself for hurting her? no killing myself is being too easy on me. i feel like throwing myself around repeatedly.

Pain.

i noe i m not trying hard enough.

but i did try didnt i? little things i do. but to get replies of her spite of the moment that diminish every little effort i have attempted is really demoralising enough.

is it an excuse or a contributing factor i dunno.

not now, i cant spend that limited time and strength to think about that now. i really muz put my focus back to getting my internship and my tests now. immediately.

i haven been good before, but at least i m trying to improve things now. doesnt mean that i haven been good means i should ponder on the past during the present and miss the future.

she was sayin why should i be throwing temper at her when i m the one who is doing things last minute. look, juz bcos i m doing it last minute does not entitles u to take more time pondering n backtracking me. give me the support i need to move forward pls. i m trying.

Kicking about @ 5:24 PM
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