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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 4

spent an afternoon with the golden retrievers at Cassia Golden. my goodness... how they cheered me up... rolex had so much to whine to me haha. its not any day that u get a king whining and nua-ing against you ok. gracie, toby, narnia and princess had been great darlings showering me with love too. its so heartwarming each time i meet them, and they tell me in their own ways that they appreciate me being with them, and that really makes all the mud, saliva and sweat worth it :)

was too tired to wait till my baby girl is done with her grooming, since shifu will send her home, i don't have to be there throughout. i miss my baby. she has really grown and matured a lot.. this week her expression looks like camry when she's calm and when she's goofy, she's like journey :)

she's becoming restless in the house, feeling without a pack leader around.. she used to recognize me as her leader, but now with no one to look to, she actually started some erratic behavior like peeing on the bed to mark territory and barking more. she used to be always so quiet that you won't know we have a dog if u didnt see her.

sigh.

immediately, when i walked out of Cassia Golden, my heart sank.

then i realized that for the past 3 wks, i had actually smiled so much at just random thoughts, at random times like when i walk to the bank in the afternoons. but for the past 3 days, the same thoughts that brought me the smiles before couldnt make me muster the slightest smile.

my msn pm reads: smile got stolen.

elsa kindly came and told me, joyce i donate my smile to you, please smile..
kiang came to be concerned too, even though he is really puzzled by his biological parents and foster parents war plus a completely unfamiliar set of extended family thats taking him like treasure now.
mag sent me a joke link LOL.

and the best thing this person that took the smile did today is he made me smile a lot this evening; and he asked where did my lost smile gone to, did ashley took it. dang?

its been a great evening.. perhaps someday i will recover this smile but from his friendship?

shrugs.

dammit. ting said she has abt 8 songs in her phone related to him.
mine seems like the entire song list leh.
kill me. LOL.

Kicking about @ 2:27 AM
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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Day 3

too much noise in my heart and my perspective now is subconsciously looking at everything around that has even the slightest link to him. gripping all the little things all around as much as i can, hoping its not over. but it is.

losing balance.

its ok. like Ting says, its a phase. it will be over.. soon?

it will.

lets see how many days this damn series last.

原来心碎是这样的。

Kicking about @ 12:20 PM
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Day 2

time seems to lengthen on this day.

cruised through the entire day comfortably busy enough to keep my mind positive.

the sky was beautiful at 630pm. that brought me a smile. a proud smile cos i am moving on fine. everything little thing around the path to the bus stop still looks beautiful to me, and that should mean i m not grieving.

supposed to be running with my brother, but ended work in office at 740pm, bro suggested kbox at jurong safra. just as well. i have not found a song for Plasma's ktv competition anyways.
[note: $8 nett per pax with 1 drink, non-alcohol/alcohol choice avail. tiger jug 18++]

but dang? all the freaking songs, no matter if we shared the songs together or not, has a line or two that reminds me of things that makes my eyes feel burning but i really shouldn't.

i thought i had been doing well shutting the f up and getting my ass moving the entire day.

记事本 (link to youtube mtv)

爱的痛了痛的哭了哭的累了
日记本里页页执着
记载着你的好像上瘾的毒药
它反复骗着我

爱的痛了痛的哭了哭的累了
矛盾心里总是强求
劝自己要放手闭上眼让你走
烧掉日记重新来过
重新来过

shocked my bro and myself at how nice this part went. i rather it didnt went so perfectly cos i rather not feel for this paragraph of lyrics.

到不了 (link to youtube mtv)

你眼睛会笑弯成一条桥
终点却是我永远到不了
感觉你来到是风的呼啸
思念像苦药竟如此难熬
每分每秒

i know by writing this here is not productive, this is not manifesting in the positive stuff that i should so i can shut up and move on. but for the entire time, my brain has been commanding me to stay positive, think positive, whats done is done, shut the f up and move it. but tears and emotions just overcomes me at unexpected times. i think i need to properly admit these emotions and thoughts and filter them out somewhere. if not i will just keep getting tugged back.

excuses? i dunno.

sometimes u really need to let things run its course, otherwise be it words from others or yourself will just be apocryphal.

哭有时，笑有时。

RoaR! i'm not ok, but i will be.

Kicking about @ 3:00 AM
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Friday, May 21, 2010

i miss my little girl.
Tears won't stop flowing when recalling the day Ashley tried for the first time in her life, to stop me leaving home. She's always ever supportive and will walk me out calmly and sit at the gate while i put the padlock on, during times when i never put on her leash. My baby girl has telepathy with me.. She always feels my heart.

Kicking about @ 1:38 AM
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