Thursday, November 02, 2006
When would u see this?
my sister, who do not have the time to read or tag my blog, actually took out the time to blog a post to tell me thing.
its was a very simple thing that i had thought, but it triggered a lifelong regret of hers, as is mine.
all i want to say is,
if u still insist that i was throwing temper at u, so be it.
i only said i do not want to talk about ANYTHING that has ANY relation with that person and that matter, period. becos i noe i've had enough of this shit, i do not want to even let myself be reminded about it; and i definitely do not have that patience to have my mind on this matter.
it is juz that simple a thing that i had in mind. i was directing it at the matter and not the person. whoever it may be, u jiahui or whoever. this would still be the same reply. that is why she gave me her msn to talk about this matter, but i chose not to add. enough is enough.
he who has nothing to do with me, i can accept the fact that he is my mother's fren. i can accept him juz to please my mother. but don't expect me to be able to totally remove my shield to someone whom i really find hard to trust totally again.
he whom i have nothing to do with, some crazy fuken bitch called to hurl abuse at me juz becos of his carelessness or guts. make me shiver in fear like those yrs that we have long buried away in that house. not just once.
he whom i have nothing to do with, i have to keep having my limited waking moments at home, sharing my limited time to have my mother's concern becos my mother is afraid that i m upset by that matter, which would not in the first place have started if not of him.
i m selfish. i dun want to get disappointed again by my own father, or by the man whom i had harboured hope of being a fatherly figure before, so i stay away. away from them, their words, their actions, their concern, their promises, their news.
i dunno how u were thinking when our aunts and uncles tell u about what he did, during new yr. i didnt say a word. i pretended i didnt hear. i wished i was deaf. can i at least juz keep the proud memories and not let anymore of these vapourise what little i have left?
i m glad i m good at running away. i m glad i m good at forgetting unhappy things.
memories before primary 4, even as far as 3 years old, i remember, crystal clear.
that two years, i did a good job of having only brief recounts of the happenings.. but i juz cant bury the feelings.
the day when hong rui shouted at me: shut up u single parent child!
he didnt mean it. he regretted till today. so? nothing can be changed.
i noe i m not the only one who got hurt. i m the one most protected already. u all have different ways of handling, and this is mine, my choice. i run. i bury. i forget.
u told me its my choice to be happy or sad. i have the choice to choose to be angered or not.
i choose to not think about these things, but move on to other happier things.
u meant to tell me how to handle the problem this time, to minimise my unhappiness. u love me.
i have my ways of handling, i will stretch for u if i cant handle it. but if i m doing well on my on with my method, but u pull me back to help me, it is juz putting me back to where i was, deleting my effort.
calcium is good for me i noe, but if i already had my just share of daily intake, and u noe its good, and wants to give me, u can't be insisting that i take it right? excess intake of calcium causes stones in the innards.
i remember very casually telling u:
i don't want to talk about this.
it could be my tone that u mistaken as i'm throwing temper at u, for that i apologise.
but i was also very disappointed that u did the same as mummy. as long as i show rejection, u would start flaring. this is not like our usual conversation. i would hold my breathe and let u finish always. but this is something really too much that i dun want to start, cos i may lose control.
through this post i cried. cos i was afraid of losing u, cos i was disappointed, cos my heart ache for mum, cos i am angry with him, cos i m confused.
i had this post in my annonymous blog shared with my buddy on july 3rd. i didnt want to post here. i dun like ppl to noe about this past. i dun like ppl to look at me with that kinda eye like wad my primary sch teachers who noes does. i dun like ppl to even have the possibility of reminding me anything of it. cos it took that many years, and a lifetime of regret to bury, which till the end, how deep it's buried, would still surface every now and then as a lifetime of regret.
since u all felt that i m so desensitize to our family, here goes.
Is it that difficult for family to stay together?
isnt it a natural thing that families should stay together?
why..
since 10 years old, i lived a life without a father by my side. in fact for the past few yrs, i even did not maintain contact with him.. so much so tat during my uncle's funeral, he did not recognise me when i call him dad. he asked his sister who's this and appearantly got chided.
and recently my mother asked me when's father's day. i ignore her n walked away. she asked again. "u asking me?" a child who lived a life without father, got shouted in the face, "shut up u single parent child!", as a transfer student. i'm not saying its her fault, juz that shouldnt she be sensitive enough not to ask me such thing?
and today i received two bad news in a day.
my brother and sister in law has decided to split since 2 months back, but they hid the matter from us. they didnt hid that well though. cos i did realise things are not right since me n my mum's birthday in april. and of late, most of the nites in a week she's not home.
this afternoon she came back and packed all her things and left.
my mum was shocked and crying after that. cos she was heartache for my bro.
he had always been working hard for the family, yearning to have a family of his own so that he can do better as a man, and not like what he used to h¡ve !s a`famély when he was a boù.&ont>
<æont style="font-style: italic;">when other kids are at clubs having fun, he was working there.
when other boys are in that two yr, they juz train n slack n clueless bout time, except counting down to the time for them to redeem back their freedom, he had to work too, and a van knocked him when he was at work on a bike, and he broke his wrist.
after that two yrs, he continued working at where he had achieved much even when he wasn't of age; he got into a work related accident and got burnt from the back of his hands all the way up till his face. luckily the scars only remained at the hand, while the rest healed. at that time, he call home and lied that he was at the chalet during his stay in the hospital.
when other guys are chasing skirts and watching soccer, he was holding 3 jobs, to buy a home for his mother and sister, to let them feel secure. to buy textbook for his sister, he scrimped and save, a packet of cigg and a packet of buns with fillings from the mama-shop was all he had a day.
he's always working hard.. why.. when he thought that his dream of opening a bar with his wife, and he plays the guitar while she sings along on stage, is but a short-lived dream?
they worked hard for that for barely a year.. end of july 2005 they opened the bar.. they worked hard together.. giving up their previous jobs.. worked hard together side by side.. he played the guitar and she sings along..
i dunno how he's coping with this.. apparently, he seems to have come to terms with the issue, and he seems all normal today. i do hope he is not putting a strong front for us.
i rather him punching the wall like the time his first galfren left. at least my mama noes how to get in to console him then. now we cant..
he yearns so much for his own family, a child of his own.. to rectify all the wrong his father did when he was a boy, to do much much better than his father did.
i as a sister is such a failure. i do nothing but waste his money away, not studying hard enough, misusing all the luxury he provides me, and for the past 5 years, it seems we do not speak more than 15 sentences a month. our only common topic is my allowance and left over foods my mum cooked.
and the other bad news is that now my sister and brother in law n my little niece has applied to migrate to australia, where my bro in law's mother is. they'll leave in 3 years time.
i do not and could not comprehend at all this decision.
if it is already not possible for singaporeans to have all the family members of-age or not, married or not, all the generations under one roof, then can we at least have everyone residing in this island? it is a little hassle having to pay to role play as sardine once a while for those who lives across the island from where their other family members lives, but what's that 1 hr at most, $15 cab fare at most travel cost compared to a plane flight? my mother already do not mind traveling for an hour plus to go over to my sister's house to find them every saturday, but what happens 3 years later when they are off to australia?
not that i want to be selfish and not think of the mother who is in australia alone. but hey, she's there for years, alone. but why should u youngsters leave behind the rest of your herd, your career to go there too? its not guaranteed that a living over there is simpler, cheaper, slacker.
besides, haven they been intolerant of her attitudes and attics during her short stay last year?
i grew up in an extended family which has probably so much cousins that we might not know all when we meet. i have cousins age of my parents or even older than my father, and nephew my age. those distant once whom we do not contact much aside, i have at least 6 sets of uncles and aunties whom we sees whenever festive or in need.
at least they have so many siblings to be there to discuss and help when in need. one migrated to hongkong decades ago, and there still left many.. now that my uncle is gone, his sister is taking care of his wife n daughter now..
but us? we've only us. 3 siblings. i'm doted by two of them that's the most blessed thing. they haven been seeing eye to eye since many years back.. i do not remember why.. but i heard its probably bcos of the different ways they take care of me.
now that i do not discuss much of many growing up issues with my brother, at least some things i can still discuss with my sister who is open enough to allow nonsense and not jump immediately but guide me gently. how bout in future when she's there?
technology is advance. in fact now already we are communicating via blog emails and handphones. but juz count how often she's able to go online and do all these now that she has a little baby who cries whenever she's out of sight? by the time they should depart for australia, the baby would be 3 years old, but they do have interest in producing more.
i dont like this at all. not the least. i know its childish of me to say that i do not like it and wish that the problem just vaporise. i also know that the world does not revolve round me, thus i should go along with the revolving motion and stop pausing to whine. even my mum understood that and for once she didnt comment, but juz expressed it to me briefly, saying:aiya i dun say anything la, later they say i whining.
but hey, i also do realise all these things could have been worked out, in a better manner.
now i m really seriously having second thoughts of working hard with the objective being i want to build a family next time. whats the point of building to be demolished?
is it that difficult for family to stay together at all?
but then again, don't read too much into it and bite on my words. a lot of things are off the rash emotional side, at that point in time. readin too deep, too far and too long sometimes is unwise.
sketch the unpleasant in the sand, and the pleasant on a rock. as khryz said, gone with the wind.
i juz meant to say, u misunderstood me. holy shit. its juz one sentence, n i m actually posting sucha freakin long post..
in summary: u misunderstood what i meant. i had been keepin things open when me n u talk, juz this one time, i reject and u jumped and surprised me. that all. i still love u. nothing's changed.
probly u wun see this post.. not soon.. or mayb never. cos u are always so busy.. i was jealous when i see ur tag on maggie's..
to u it mite be mundane to read or to blog, but to me, to be able to even read that very short post or juz a picture post of ur 3 blogs, is a bliss.. to be able to share a bit of ur life, even though we are busy apart. i'll keep chging the date of this post, to make it always at the top of the blog page.. till the day u saw n tagged. =]Labels: My Family
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Joyce Tan
13th April 1987
chocolat3_ch1p5@hotmail.com
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Attached since 10th Aug 2001 to a wonderful guy named Amos
The only constant on earth is change. since i will grow and my concepts will change, and i cant think of a contemporary blog name, thus i shall name it unnamed.
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